A Reader Asks:

“My husband and I have two children; a 16-year-old son and a 14-year-old daughter. We’ve always been a close family and could talk about anything. Well, until recently, anyway.

My son is still very open with both of us, but my daughter is a different story. She’ll laugh, joke and hang out with her dad, but it seems like with every day that goes by, she has less and less to say to me. I’ve been racking my brain, trying to think of anything that has changed in our house and have come up with absolutely nothing. It just seems to have happened. One day, she just didn’t want me anymore. I try to talk to her, but she just gives me a short answer and then walks away. Why won’t my daughter talk to me anymore? Will it ever get better?”

Jessi says:

Oh, mama. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this.

If she’s not exhibiting any signs of abuse, chances are, the thing that’s happened in your house, is that your daughter is becoming a young woman.

That’s a tough time for teenage girls. Things go from simple to emotional. Relationships with boyfriends and friends are getting more complicated. Schoolwork is more intensive. Adulthood and huge decisions are only a few years away. It’s a lot of “HUGE” for a young person, especially a girl, to digest.

Now, that would seem like the logical time for a teenage daughter to want to talk to her mom most, but as a mother of two teenagers, you know, adolescents have a tendency toward the completely illogical. Of course, they don’t know that, though.

They’re trapped between childhood and adulthood. Little life experience and big emotion, stress, change and…unfortunately…hormones. And because they forget that you, too, were once a teen, they assume you wouldn’t understand or think the grown-up thing to do would be figure it all out on their own.

Because I don’t know your daughter, I’m going to just take a stab at the situation, but my guess is, she’s more comfortable palling around with her dad, because dads don’t put so much emphasis on communication. Moms are women. We begin and end with conversation. We want to know and help. It’s our nature.

If you want to reconnect, slow things down a bit. Concentrate on just hanging out. Go get a manicure together. Invite her to go on walks with you or catch a flick and go out for dinner. Just chat with her. Don’t press anything heavy. Just chat, sans judgment or prying. With time, she’ll start opening up again.

Keep two things in mind:

1. She’s not trying to hurt you. She’s trying to figure herself out
2. She will ALWAYS need you, and as she matures, she’ll start letting down the defenses

Being a teenage girl is a tough time. Being a mom to a teenage girl is a tougher time, because you’ve been where she’s been, but also know the teen years are NOTHING compared to adulthood. Bear with her. You’ll find you’re way back to each other again.

Jessi Arias-Cooper is the senior writer and an editor for Advice4Parenting.com. She is a work-from-home mother of 3 boys and has been married for 11 years. If she had time for hobbies and interests outside of parenting and keeping house, they would be jewelry making, baking, watching bad B-movie horror flicks and creative writing . If you have a question for Jessi, click here.

Photo: flickr.com/photos/23am/477369659

A reader asks:

How do I get my 16-year-old daughter to appreciate the importance of a quality education? She says that “school isn’t for everyone” and refuses to apply herself to anything remotely academic.

Jessi says:

I can see why her nonchalance is frustrating for you, but take heart, it‘s not a lost cause.

There is hope.

She’s still young. Sixteen is a confusing age for every young woman. A teenage girl is being pulled in so many directions, it’s easy to lose focus and perspective.

A simple truth about the human condition is that nobody wants to fail.

The most important thing to do is identify why she’s resisting her schoolwork.

Ask yourself these questions:

• Has there been a major change or loss in her life (i.e. a break-up, death of a loved-one, move to a new town, parental divorce) ?
• Does she have some sort of learning barrier that is making her work more challenging than it is for her peers?
• Has she taken on a job that is monopolizing her time?
• Is she hanging out with other kids that don’t value education?
• Did she suffer a blow to her self-esteem (for example: being criticized publicly by a teacher)?
• Is there sibling rivalry involved? Does she have a sister or brother who makes achievement look effortless?

Once you’ve explored these questions on your own, open up a dialogue with her that is more personal than school-related. Ask simple questions and be prepared to give her support and examples of how you have personally overcome some of these challenges (but only if she wants them).

If you don’t have personal experience with whatever she’s dealing with, help her find someone reliable who does. There are many options both online and in your community.

If you start to sense tension, back-off. Resist the urge to dig your heels in on the issue. Nothing will make a teenager shut down and become uncooperative faster than feeling like she is being backed into a corner.

Once the two of you have reached an understanding about the cause of the barrier, then you can formulate a strategy to deal with the issue, together. Find local resources that can shed light on the specific problem, whatever that may be. Ask her permission to contact the school counselor for a list of people that can help.

If you work through it together, you’ll not only find a solution to the problem, but also empower your daughter and teach her a more positive way to cope with issues as they arise.

This process may take a little time, but the end result will mean a new beginning for both your relationship and her education (and beyond).

Jessi Arias-Cooper is the senior writer and an editor for Advice4Parenting.com. She is a work-from-home mother of 3 boys and has been married for 10 years. Jessi co-owns Profitable Prose, with her husband, Brock. If she had time for hobbies and interests outside of parenting and keeping house, they would be jewelry making, baking, watching bad B-movie horror flicks and creative writing.

Parents mostly complain that teenagers do not listen to them. The opposite is true when it comes to advice regarding ‘money matters’. Teens actually welcome their parent’s input about their finances.

In the past few years, teenagers have earned billions of dollars with part-time and summer jobs.

Some have spent most of what they earned, while others saved most or even all of it for a big purchase, or for their college education.

Kids these days are becoming more and more aware of their family’s source of income and financial status. They apply these money-spending principles when they venture out on their own.

Thus, it becomes more of a parent’s responsibility to start “training” their teenage kids to use their money wisely.

Here are some ways on how you, as a parent, can teach your teens to save those hard-earned bucks:

1. Lead by example.

With your lifestyle, the children will see how you spend your money.

If they see you allotting a certain amount for a specific household need, they will eventually do the same when they get to earn their own keep.

2. Help your teens get a bank account.

Establishing a bank account under their name would give them an instant financial responsibility.

Sit down and explain to them how to manage their own account, and the “rewards” that they get once they save enough.

Their savings could go to their college tuition, or a big purchase like a car.

Additionally, it gives them a sense of accomplishment once they have saved up, with something concrete to show for it.

You may check out the special benefits that banks offer for teens who open their accounts at such an early age.

3. Construct a “spending plan”.

Once they hear the word ‘budget’, teens tend to cringe at the mere thought of having to restrict the spending of their money.

Instead, you and your teen son or daughter could build a “spending plan”. This would get them excited, and think of ways on how they can wisely spend their savings.

Also, have them list down their earnings versus their expenses.

Let them know the difference between the items that they need and the luxury items that they want, which they can actually do without.

4. Make a “mock” investment in the stock market.

Make them aware of the options that they have financially.

Casually introduce to them the business part of your daily newspapers and have them make “mock” investments for companies who manufactures products that they like.

Monitor the stocks together and this would give them another option of investing their money in the future.

As parents, we want to protect our children from everything. Unfortunately, there is a whole world of life experience out there that we can’t control.

One of the most difficult situations that every child faces eventually is grief. Grief can be the result of many events such as the loss of a family member, friend or pet, separation or divorce of parents, or a move to an unfamiliar town.

No matter what the cause of your child’s grief may be, his pain is real. He needs your support and wisdom now more than ever. At times like this, it can be hard to know how to help your child. Don’t panic if you feel a little lost in the situation, we’ve all been there.

Here are 5 basic ways to help your child cope with grief:

1. Listen and Share – It is very important that your child always knows he has your ear, especially now. Take the time to listen to what he has to say and encourage him to be open. Share a similar experience you had, how it made you feel, and how you got through it. In the event that your son’s grief stemmed from the loss of a person or pet, let him know that you are sad, too. You have to be strong for your child, but he also has to know that he’s not alone. Nothing feels worse when you are grieving than feeling like you are the only one that feels that way.

2. Reassure Him That This Is Not His Fault – Human nature often leads all of us to believe that there was something more that we could have done to prevent a situation. Adults have the capacity to reason through it and know, despite what our heart tells us, that sometimes, bad things happen and there is nothing that we could have done to stop it. Children simply are not wired that way.

If a child feels that he is somehow responsible for the event, he can harbor unimaginable pain, guilt and anger. If your son expresses that he feels guilty about what happened, it is of the utmost importance that you explain that you understand how he feels, but that it was absolutely not his fault.

3. Answer Question Honestly – Your child has questions. This is a time for sincerity and honesty, even if it’s hard. Children are still children and a little sugar-coating may be appropriate (some blunt realities are too heavy for young minds), but the bottom line should be straightforward and honest. Open concepts like “Grandma went on a long trip” may be a short term fix to the tears, but after a while, your child is going to want grandma to return, and when he finds out the truth, you risk the loss of his trust and respect.

4. Watch His Behavior – Grief, depression and stress can cause drastic behavior changes. Keep an eye on your child’s behavior. Early on, sadness, anger and confusion are common, expected and completely normal. If it has been 4 weeks since the event happened and your son still refuses to leave your side, this may be a red flag that he is still having an extremely hard time coping with the situation.

Pay close attention to long-term displays of the following behavior: nightmares, withdrawal, anger, separation anxiety, and behavior that would commonly be displayed by children younger than his age. If you are seeing a consistent pattern of these behaviors, you may want to consider professional assistance.

5. Find Positive Diversions – It is very easy for both adults and children to settle into a grief induced shut-down mode. Isolation isn’t good for anyone, especially a grieving child. Help him find ways to occupy his body and mind. Encourage physical activity or artful expression. You may meet some initial resistance, but in the long run, it will work wonders for him. Play with him at the park. Buy him a new art set. Help him get back into the things he enjoyed before this crisis hit.

As parents, there are times when we wish we could push a fast-forward button and move past painful and uncomfortable situations. Much to our collective chagrin, this isn’t an option. Openness, honesty and support are the key components to helping your child cope with grief.

Actively responding to your child’s sadness with the proper love and care, will strengthen your relationship and prevent ongoing hardships related to the event. While these situations are difficult to handle, they are also opportunities for your family to grow closer as a unit.

Jessi Arias-Cooper is a work from home mother of 3 boys and has been married for 10 years. She co-owns a freelance writing business, Profitable Prose, with her husband, Brock.  If she had time for hobbies and interests outside of parenting and keeping house, they would be jewelry making, baking, watching bad B-movie horror flicks and creative writing.

Those considered “teenagers” are between the ages of 15 and 20 years old. A lot of changes take place during these teen years. The 15-year-old has no experience at just being a teenager, while the 19-year-old is ready to leave the tumultuous teenage years behind.

If you prepared your teenager well during the preteen years to handle the choices and peer pressure that he will face during his teen years, he’ll probably do just fine. It’s important to remember that your teenager is now on the verge of adulthood. He’s not an adult, but he’s no longer a child that you can control, either.

The teenager’s body is going through dramatic changes. It’s changing from a child body to an adult body. The hormones have gone wild. Your teenager is going to be moody and difficult to live with, but you do need to remember that it really isn’t all the teenager’s fault, and sometimes his control (or lack thereof) is being driven by hormone fluctuations that are out of his control.

Patience and consistency are the watch words during this time of your child’s life. Lay down firm but fair rules of behavior so that your teenager has guidelines to live by when his raging hormones make it impossible for him to trust his own judgment.

Get your teen the help that they need. If they have acne, then take them to a dermatologist. If they are having serious relationship difficulties, then get them to a therapist.

Don’t just hand your teenager the “things” that he deems necessary to his very survival. See to it that he learns that work translates into money and money translates into “stuff.” Giving your teen all the “stuff” they want won’t be doing them any favors.