How to Meet Other Stay-At-Home Moms is a post from: Advice4Parenting.com a Parenting Blog

Stay-at-home-parenthood can be a lonely job. If most of your friends are comprised of coworkers and colleagues, it’s a really big change.

When I left my nine-to-five situation, my husband was still working outside of the home. It was just me and the kiddies for 12 hours a day. While finally being able to stay with my children was, and still is, a dream come true, I did find myself craving some time with other adults.

Don’t get me wrong, I still had my close friends from work, but I wanted to meet other moms who understood what a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) goes through. It’s a tough job and I’m on duty 24 hours a day. Only another SAHM can truly appreciate the inner-workings of another homemaker’s mind.

Finding other SAHMs can be tricky when you’re toting around three rowdy boys everywhere you go, but it can be done. The key is to go to places where other mommies are likely to be hanging out with their offspring.

This works best for two reasons:

• These will likely be kid-friendly locations

• You’re sure to find other moms and dads who are just as pal-hungry as you are

There are few routes you can go when beginning your quest to make some new friends:

1. Online
2. Local SAHM Groups
3. In the Trenches

Online

If you’re shy and don’t want to just strike up a conversation with a complete stranger, start by checking online. This is a great option, especially for moms with young babies. A couple websites I like for chatting with other moms are www.whattoexpect.com, www.themommiesnetwork.org and Twitter.

These sites are fabulous, because you can find friends by locations, family situations, age and much much more. Finding someone who you have a ton in common with is as easy as find the right forum and jumping in.

Local SAHM Groups

If you check with local hospitals or community centers, they can problem give you information on Mommy and Me-type groups that meet up weekly or monthly. Many communities even have support or activity groups for moms to hang out without their children…just to get some much needed social time and share whatever you need to get off your chest.

In the Trenches

This is the most bold approach to meeting other moms. You go out there, in the real world, and start talking to other tyke-wrangling parents. The biggest benefit of meeting other moms in person is that you can see how they interact with their children. That may seem silly, but watching them in action when their kids are hanging upside down from monkey bars or mid-tantrum can help you gauge your compatibility. True colors shine through really quickly in real-life situations.

Common places to hunt other like-minded mommies are playgrounds, library story times, school functions and extra-curricular activity locations like the YMCA, Gymboree, sports-related practice and games or music, dance and tumbling lessons. These are advantageous places to meet moms, because your kids will have things in common, too.

Meeting new SAHM mommy friends is a lot like dating. You have to keep your eyes peeled for other parents who you’d genuinely enjoy talking to or hanging out with, whether your kids are present or not. You won’t hit the jackpot every time, but sooner or later, you’ll hit on a winner and have a new buddy who truly identifies with what you’re going through.

Jessi Arias-Cooper is the senior writer and an editor for Advice4Parenting.com. She is a work-from-home mother of 3 boys and has been married for 10 years. If she had time for hobbies and interests outside of parenting and keeping house, they would be jewelry making, baking, watching bad B-movie horror flicks and creative writing . If you have a question for Jessi, click here.

A Reader Asks:

My husband and I have a true-to-life “Yours, Mine and Ours” blended family. My children from my previous marriage are better behaved then the children that he had with his ex and the children that we’ve had together. How do we get on the same page when it comes to rule setting and discipline?

Jessi Says:

Take a deep breath, ahhhh.

The first step to a peaceful situation is to let go of the “blended” in your family and just be a family. Your husband and you love each other and you’ve decided to join your family and become one solid unit.

It’s important to unshackle yourself from the “yours” and “mine” mindset for two very important reasons:

1. The two of you, as parents, won’t look at all of your children equally, therefore an unintentional bias will take hold of your family and consistency will be a struggle from child to child.

2. Your children will believe that there is a difference between them, and will have difficulty moving past the “you’re not my real brother” frame of mind. Step-sibling rivalry will brew and swell where love and appreciation should grow.

The second step is to have a heart-to-heart with your husband about rules and discipline in general. Keep the blame game out of your conversation, or you risk driving a wedge smack-dab in the middle of your partnership. Talk about the things that concern both of you and come to a mutual agreement about what your rules will be and how you will consistently enforce them.

The third step, which will be met with moans and groans, is that you should have a family meeting with all of your children present and deliver the rules and consequences clearly. Allow the children time to share their feelings, but quickly re-direct the conversation if a finger-pointing match begins. Be clear that nobody is to blame, but you both feel that you need to establish concrete rules and expectations for everyone.

Finally, you both must be consistent. All of your children will respect your guidelines if they all absolutely have to follow them. If someone violates a rule, which eventually will happen (children will be children), make sure that you follow through with the aforementioned consequences.

If something major happens, and I mean major, like stealing from a store or fighting at school, swiftly follow through with a temporary consequence until the two of you can discuss a proper punishment for the situation together. For example, tell your daughter that she is grounded from her phone and leaving the house and that you will discuss the full consequences with her dad when he gets home.

This establishes that you are parenting as partners and have equal input and authority. It will also show your husband that you respect him as a parent, build your skills in co-parenting and the icing on the cake is that the “yours” and “ours” will naturally disintegrate.

Blending two families into one isn’t an easy undertaking, but it’s possible to do with love, patience and understanding. Once you’re parenting as equal partners, your whole family will follow suit and familial bliss will be your reward.

Jessi Arias-Cooper is the senior writer and assistant editor for Advice4Parenting.com. She is a work-from-home mother of three boys and has been married for long time. Jessi co-owns Profitable Prose, with her husband, Brock. If she had time for hobbies and interests outside of parenting and keeping house, they would be jewelry making, baking, watching bad B-movie horror flicks and creative writing.

Dear Ellen,

I feel like I’m losing my connection with nine-year-old son.  Let me explain:  Until recently we had a very close relationship, and I really knew everything that was going on in his life.  He used to come home from school and tell me all about his day and give me lots of hugs and kisses.  Lately, when he arrives home in the afternoons he says school was “fine” and wiggles away from my hugs.  The only time he is interested in talking to me at length and cuddling with me is at bedtime, and that’s when I feel too tired to have any long discussions!

~ Laurie

Dear Laurie,

You are right to be concerned about the diminishing connection with your son; but rest assured that his actions are totally normal.  At the age of nine, he is still learning about his place in the world and testing his independence from his parents.  He is discovering how much of his life is in his control and which aspects of his day cannot be changed.   Your son is no longer dependent on you the way he was in preschool; however, he still depends upon his Mom in so many ways!  Part of the process of emotionally separating from his primary caregiver (you!) is to test where his identity begins and yours ends; to end the fusion of the two of you that was integral to his development when he was a baby.

You write that he is open to long talks and hugs during bedtime, and that is great news.  When the sun has set and he is in bed, there are no distractions pulling him away from you, and that is an ideal time to reconnect with him.

On the other hand, when he comes home from school at about 4:00pm, there are a variety of things calling for his attention:  games, sports, friends, and homework.

When he is resting in his comfortable bed in the evening, there isn’t much else to do but talk to Mom!  Plan to sit on the side of his bed for twenty or thirty minutes each evening, as this is his preferred time for bonding with you.  If work this time into your schedule in advance, it will be much easier than if it takes you by surprise every night.

We all feel a little more vulnerable at night; movies are scarier and strange sounds are more frightening than they are during daylight.  So take advantage of the intimate mood that accompanies the moon to focus on your emotional connection with your son.  He will remember these evenings fondly as he grows up!

Ellen C. Braun is the founder of RaisingSmallSouls.com, a global parenting resource.  She is involved in a wide variety of projects to help parents and children.  She is currently reviewing safety products for babies, including the Britax Marathon and the Britax Boulevard car seats.

Photo: flickr.com/photos/playfulpics/5131045266/

Many parents have faced the awkward question of what to do when your child wets the bed. In most cases this is a short term problem that works itself out by the time the child is 5 years old.

But, if your son or daughter is still wetting the bed after this age, you may need to help them to stay dry. Here are just some of the things that you can do:

• There are some drinks that stimulate the kidneys to produce more urine, like cola and blackcurrant juice, for example. Try cutting these drinks out of your child’s diet (it’s usually best to just cut out one at a time) and see if this helps.

• Even if your daughter or son has trouble with bedwetting they still need to drink a healthy amount of fluid throughout the day. Try to make sure that they drink 6-8 glasses of water-based drinks every day.

• Some people will advise you to cut out drinks before bedtime, but this isn’t always the best approach. If your child’s siblings are given a drink and they aren’t, this can be upsetting, and high emotions and stress can cause bedwetting.

• Make sure that your child isn’t constipated. This can be difficult for older children, so talk to them and ask them to keep a record, if you think this could be a problem. If they empty their bowels less than 3 times a week, talk to a medical professional for advice on how to treat the problem.

• Stay positive and praise your child often. Bedwetting is an upsetting experience for any child and if they feel bad for doing it the stress may actually make the problem worse. Praise them for all small accomplishments such as drinking water instead of juice and remembering to go to the toilet at bedtime.

• If all else fails, seek medical help. Remember that you need to stay positive about any treatment, the expert advice is just to help you to work out the best way to help your child to overcome this challenge.

While bed wetting is distressing at the time, with planning and positivity it can be stopped in time. So don’t despair at your child’s wet sheets, just try the simple tips and know that it can get better.

The author, Katie Saxon, works for Starr Medical, a specialist company that helps parents and their children work through bedwetting problems.

Photo: flickr.com/photos/jemsweb/5544658

During the early months of your baby’s life, finding time to take care of yourself can seem impossible. The good news…it’s not. With a little flexibility, you won’t have to sacrifice the simple things in life that keep you happy and healthy.

There are three basic things every new mom wants and needs:

1. More sleep

2. To eat real meals (with both hands)

3. A hot shower.

Once you’re out of the hospital and on your own, you’ll have no choice but to learn how to work with your baby to make sure that you’re both getting what you need.

It can take weeks, sometimes even months, for your baby to sleep through the night. This doesn’t mean that you have to be a stinky, starving zombie.

The key to meeting your obligations to yourself, is to study and understand your baby’s sleeping and eating patterns. How long does she sleep between feedings? How often, and at what time, does she stay awake for an hour or more?

Babies’ schedules can appear to be completely chaotic at first, but if you pay attention, you’ll catch on to a pattern fairly quickly. They will generally find a comfortable rhythm and stick to it for a while.

Once you have your little peanut’s schedule figured out, you can fit your life into her schedule. Prioritize: Naps first, food second, and finally…ahhh…a relaxing shower.

With a little planning, your life can still be yours. A happy mom makes for a happy baby. If you’re too rundown to bring your mommy-ing “A-Game” to the party, you’ll both be miserable.

Give yourself the gift of self-indulgence, even if it’s just in the form of meeting your basic daily needs, and your early mothering experience will be a relaxed, content one.

Jessi Arias-Cooper is the senior writer and an editor for Advice4Parenting.com. She is a work-from-home mother of 3 boys and has been married for 10 years. Jessi co-owns Profitable Prose, with her husband, Brock. If she had time for hobbies and interests outside of parenting and keeping house, they would be jewelry making, baking, watching bad B-movie horror flicks and creative writing.

If you have more than one child, chances are they fight with one another.  Sibling rivalry is a part of growing up and being in a family.  I have a great way of dealing with this, and it could be termed as Passive Parenting.
This is how Passive Parenting works.  First, set some ground rules for tattletaling.  For our kids, you can come tell a parent if someone is hurting you, if they are hurt themselves, or if someone is being destructive, like coloring on the walls.  If they tattletale for something else, they get into trouble themselves.

Now, when your child comes and complains about something a sibling is doing, listen to them, and then say something like, “I’ll bet you hate that.”  “That isn’t very fun.”  “That really bites.”  Make it a statement that you can use for any situation.  Don’t offer suggestions to fix it, just offer your statement.  If they repeat the problem, repeat your answer.  It will likely frustrate them at first, but they will learn to solve their own problems.

This doesn’t work for every situation, but it works for many of them.  For other problems, have your children set some rules that will help them deal with other problems that come up.  For my kids, they like the privacy of their bedrooms, and hate when brothers or sisters get into their things.  So, my kids have set a rule that you have to ask permission to go into a sibling’s bedroom.

Sibling rivalry is something that never goes away, but if you teach your children to handle their own battles, you are creating a more confident child and one that will get along better with others.

A reader asks:

How do I get my 16-year-old daughter to appreciate the importance of a quality education? She says that “school isn’t for everyone” and refuses to apply herself to anything remotely academic.

Jessi says:

I can see why her nonchalance is frustrating for you, but take heart, it‘s not a lost cause.

There is hope.

She’s still young. Sixteen is a confusing age for every young woman. A teenage girl is being pulled in so many directions, it’s easy to lose focus and perspective.

A simple truth about the human condition is that nobody wants to fail.

The most important thing to do is identify why she’s resisting her schoolwork.

Ask yourself these questions:

• Has there been a major change or loss in her life (i.e. a break-up, death of a loved-one, move to a new town, parental divorce) ?
• Does she have some sort of learning barrier that is making her work more challenging than it is for her peers?
• Has she taken on a job that is monopolizing her time?
• Is she hanging out with other kids that don’t value education?
• Did she suffer a blow to her self-esteem (for example: being criticized publicly by a teacher)?
• Is there sibling rivalry involved? Does she have a sister or brother who makes achievement look effortless?

Once you’ve explored these questions on your own, open up a dialogue with her that is more personal than school-related. Ask simple questions and be prepared to give her support and examples of how you have personally overcome some of these challenges (but only if she wants them).

If you don’t have personal experience with whatever she’s dealing with, help her find someone reliable who does. There are many options both online and in your community.

If you start to sense tension, back-off. Resist the urge to dig your heels in on the issue. Nothing will make a teenager shut down and become uncooperative faster than feeling like she is being backed into a corner.

Once the two of you have reached an understanding about the cause of the barrier, then you can formulate a strategy to deal with the issue, together. Find local resources that can shed light on the specific problem, whatever that may be. Ask her permission to contact the school counselor for a list of people that can help.

If you work through it together, you’ll not only find a solution to the problem, but also empower your daughter and teach her a more positive way to cope with issues as they arise.

This process may take a little time, but the end result will mean a new beginning for both your relationship and her education (and beyond).

Jessi Arias-Cooper is the senior writer and an editor for Advice4Parenting.com. She is a work-from-home mother of 3 boys and has been married for 10 years. Jessi co-owns Profitable Prose, with her husband, Brock. If she had time for hobbies and interests outside of parenting and keeping house, they would be jewelry making, baking, watching bad B-movie horror flicks and creative writing.

As parents, we want to protect our children from everything. Unfortunately, there is a whole world of life experience out there that we can’t control.

One of the most difficult situations that every child faces eventually is grief. Grief can be the result of many events such as the loss of a family member, friend or pet, separation or divorce of parents, or a move to an unfamiliar town.

No matter what the cause of your child’s grief may be, his pain is real. He needs your support and wisdom now more than ever. At times like this, it can be hard to know how to help your child. Don’t panic if you feel a little lost in the situation, we’ve all been there.

Here are 5 basic ways to help your child cope with grief:

1. Listen and Share – It is very important that your child always knows he has your ear, especially now. Take the time to listen to what he has to say and encourage him to be open. Share a similar experience you had, how it made you feel, and how you got through it. In the event that your son’s grief stemmed from the loss of a person or pet, let him know that you are sad, too. You have to be strong for your child, but he also has to know that he’s not alone. Nothing feels worse when you are grieving than feeling like you are the only one that feels that way.

2. Reassure Him That This Is Not His Fault – Human nature often leads all of us to believe that there was something more that we could have done to prevent a situation. Adults have the capacity to reason through it and know, despite what our heart tells us, that sometimes, bad things happen and there is nothing that we could have done to stop it. Children simply are not wired that way.

If a child feels that he is somehow responsible for the event, he can harbor unimaginable pain, guilt and anger. If your son expresses that he feels guilty about what happened, it is of the utmost importance that you explain that you understand how he feels, but that it was absolutely not his fault.

3. Answer Question Honestly – Your child has questions. This is a time for sincerity and honesty, even if it’s hard. Children are still children and a little sugar-coating may be appropriate (some blunt realities are too heavy for young minds), but the bottom line should be straightforward and honest. Open concepts like “Grandma went on a long trip” may be a short term fix to the tears, but after a while, your child is going to want grandma to return, and when he finds out the truth, you risk the loss of his trust and respect.

4. Watch His Behavior – Grief, depression and stress can cause drastic behavior changes. Keep an eye on your child’s behavior. Early on, sadness, anger and confusion are common, expected and completely normal. If it has been 4 weeks since the event happened and your son still refuses to leave your side, this may be a red flag that he is still having an extremely hard time coping with the situation.

Pay close attention to long-term displays of the following behavior: nightmares, withdrawal, anger, separation anxiety, and behavior that would commonly be displayed by children younger than his age. If you are seeing a consistent pattern of these behaviors, you may want to consider professional assistance.

5. Find Positive Diversions – It is very easy for both adults and children to settle into a grief induced shut-down mode. Isolation isn’t good for anyone, especially a grieving child. Help him find ways to occupy his body and mind. Encourage physical activity or artful expression. You may meet some initial resistance, but in the long run, it will work wonders for him. Play with him at the park. Buy him a new art set. Help him get back into the things he enjoyed before this crisis hit.

As parents, there are times when we wish we could push a fast-forward button and move past painful and uncomfortable situations. Much to our collective chagrin, this isn’t an option. Openness, honesty and support are the key components to helping your child cope with grief.

Actively responding to your child’s sadness with the proper love and care, will strengthen your relationship and prevent ongoing hardships related to the event. While these situations are difficult to handle, they are also opportunities for your family to grow closer as a unit.

Jessi Arias-Cooper is a work from home mother of 3 boys and has been married for 10 years. She co-owns a freelance writing business, Profitable Prose, with her husband, Brock.  If she had time for hobbies and interests outside of parenting and keeping house, they would be jewelry making, baking, watching bad B-movie horror flicks and creative writing.

Children do not deal with separation and loss in the same way as adults. Adults, for example, recognize the difference between a friend moving out of town and a friend dying. Young children, on the other hand, simply view both situations as loss.

Here are some important points to consider when you are helping a child deal with separation and/or loss:

1.  Children have three questions that they want answered ASAP when loss or separation occur: Is what happened my fault? Will it happen to me? How will what happened affect me? All three questions need to be answered in terms that the child can understand.

2.  Don’t use words that make death or separation more palatable to adults. Children are literal. Don’t say words like “sleeping” or “resting.” You might make the child afraid to go to sleep. Explain the situation in literal terms to children.

3.  Give the child an opportunity for closure if it is possible. If his friend is moving away, take him to visit and give him the opportunity to say goodbye. The same thing is true for a death. Prepare the child for what is to be.

4.  Listen to what the child has to say about the separation or loss. He has an opinion, and it’s important that the opinion be given validation.

5.  Remember that from the child’s point of view, stability and continuity are of the utmost importance. Children do not like major changes to their worlds. Changes make a child feel threatened. Point out that you are there and that you love him. Tell him how his world has not changed and list the ways that his world will remain unchanged.

Children, particularly young children, need to be guided through separation and loss situations with patience and love.

Choosing someone to care for your most precious possession (your child) in your absence is a major decision and should not be entered into lightly. You know that you will take care of your children and keep them safe. Transferring that responsibility for your child’s very life into the hands of another person is absolutely terrifying for some of us.

First of all, where does one look for a baby sitter? Is the teenager who lives down the block responsible and mature enough to take care of your little one? Does she know CPR? Is she cool enough to handle a crisis?

The best way to find a competent baby sitter is to ask your friends. Ask the people with whom you attend church or those you know through civic organizations. If they have kids, they hire sitters from time to time, and they are the people who are in the best position to know who is a competent baby sitter and who is a better than just competent baby sitter.

The things that you need to do before you leave your child with a sitter, no matter how highly recommended he or she comes, is to have a face-to-face meeting, with the children to be cared for present. Note the interaction between the sitter who is being considered and the child or children. You can spot a phony a mile away. All moms can. Note how the children relate to the person being considered. Get references and check them.

Be sure that you leave emergency contact information with the sitter. Be certain that you give explicit instructions about food, bedtimes, etc. Call home at least once while you are absent. A constantly busy phone is an indication that the children aren’t being cared for.